Being With a First Time Dog Lover

Being with a first time dog lover is weird. I’m talking, never had a dog, not even sure if he even had an interest in a dog, never really understood the purpose of having a dog- type person. I grew up with dogs my whole life so this way of living baffles me. Almost as much as being a cat lover. 

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July 27th will be a year for Chris and Champ. Champ ADORES Chris, and I think Chris feels the same. There are just a few differences between his relationship with Champ and mine with Ryker though that I can’t help but attribute to him never having a dog.

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He doesn’t want them on the bed. What? They’re both allowed on my bed and I deal with his griping. Dirt, hair, the occasional flea… whatever. I’m not bathing my dog every time I go to bed, and those are simply parts of owning a dog. “But not in my bed!” Listen, I’m not going to have my dog feel like he is a sub par human, or that I love you more than I love him because you’re on the bed…Oh wait. I said that out loud. Anyway, I have agreed to cave on this one if we get a bed that is so big that the dogs don’t try to get on it. But I don’t have to like it.

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He monitors water intake. This I get. Champ likes to guzzle down and sometimes have accidents or throw it right back up. Ew. I just come from the mindset of supply and demand, “if it’s always available they won’t obsess over it”. I dow want to note that the dogs DO get enough water, it just creates a lot more work for the human to have to give it to them all of the time.

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He monitors playing with toys. This one I just have to smile and shake my head at because it reminds me of a new parent. “I don’t want him to chew up the toys. I want them to last!” Right… that’s like putting a newborn in a Calvin Klein onesie and taking it off every time he burps or farts because you don’t want it to get ruined. It’s going to get ruined. That’s the point. It’s why I buy cheap toys.

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He tries to annoy Champ. I love this. Champ will be sitting there minding his own business and Chris will call him over and play with him. Champ gets random love and attention and Chris gets to pick on someone other than me. :)

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He denies that having a dog is like having a child. I’m baffled by this declaration, too. He doesn’t understand how I can relate Ryker to having a child because Ryker is a dog. Maybe it’s just harder for him with Champ because it’s harder to see his emotions than Rykers. And all I can really come up with is to say that “he’s totally dependent on me”.

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His last thought is let’s take the dogs with us. Unless we’re going out of town. It used to be my first thought when going anywhere but after 6 months of trying to be a little unit with him and Champ I have those thoughts less and less. He’s overly cautious with taking Champ out because he has been known to show barrier aggression or get loud if another dog gets loud with him, but I think if you don’t try it you won’t know how good he will be.

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Have you ever watched a non-dog lover become a dog lover? Any other observations?

New Old Trigger

I figured out another trigger tonight. Ironically it’s one that my therapist had already told me was one of mine, but hey, when have I ever been known to listen.

I freak the fuck out when someone does something unexpectedly that effects me, and I have no control over it. Makes sense after rape. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it’s only from people I trust or care about. Which makes it even more interesting… I didn’t care about my rapist but I suppose I trusted him. But one or the other (unexpected or out of my control) doesn’t bother me. Together though, they’re one hell of a pair.

The first time I can remember being triggered by this (discounting getting news about the divorce- who fucking knows what to label that one) Is one night when I told a friend about the rape. I told him and I was crying (he was one of the first people I told) and all of a sudden he got a call and had to go. At like 2 in the morning. As I’m crying. Nothing I said got him to stay, and finally I was so hurt and pissed I told him to leave (his own house- mind you, but whatever). He said he’d text me the whole time though. I lost my shit. If I’ve ever had an anxiety attack, nervous breakdown, gone fucking psycho for real- that was it. Turns out he was helping another friend at the time. Also, he hit on a very fresh, very raw trigger. I didn’t understand, and I straight up hated him for a while because of it. And I don’t hateEver.

Hell, the more I think about it, maybe that had something to do with the whole bar incident a few months ago.

Lately I’ve been having the dumbest arguments with my boyfriend, too. Like, the DUMBEST. Like over cooking a damn waffle. Seriously, I was cooking breakfast and going to put the waffle in the microwave and he put it in a pan to put in the oven. Can we please take a second to recognize how incredibly insignificant that is???? Well I, of course, said something about why don’t you just cook the whole damn meal and the argument (literally five hours later) concluded with me saying I felt stupid when he just jumped in and did things like that as if I couldn’t do it myself, and I need him to ask if he can help me before just doing it. God, I sound controlling. In turn, he said I’m always negative and he was just trying to help. My god. I’m so sorry. This really is the dumbest argument in the history of the universe. 

In hindsight, while I look like an ignoramus (shout out to Cracker Barrel for teaching me that word) it makes sense. I felt threatened that he was unexpectedly doing something and I couldn’t get him to stop, even after arguing with him about it. I even asked to be warned, to take the unexpected out of it. But fight or flight kicked in… Although flight hasn’t been an option of choice since I got mad that I didn’t fight my rapist off. Come to think about it, I should probably learn to balance that whole fight or flight thing out more.

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And then tonight, after my first day at my new job, I thought we would be hanging out and I’d be getting questioned to the Nth degree about my day to the point of wanting to lock my boyfriend in an attic somewhere and we’d have dinner and hang out… But on my way home from work I found out he was hanging out with a friend and drinking. Now, I’m all for him hanging out and seeing his friends- he should probably do it more, honestly. But the sudden change from what I expected and it turning into we aren’t even going to see each other for more than 5 minutes and there’s nothing I can really do about it pissed me off. And then of course more shit piled onto it like feeling lonely and depressed… I had a stressful day and then this and I was a mess. And again he didn’t understand why I was making a big deal out of nothing. Like, that really is not a big deal!!! Regardless of it being nothing, we argued for a good hour or two and it wasn’t until after the tears and anger and all but hanging up on him a few times that I calmed down and we talked like adults. And then it wasn’t even until AFTER we hung up that it hit me- that was a trigger.

Being psycho and knowing it but not realizing why all of the time really blows.

Looking back

Look at that title. So stereotypical this time of the year. So my last post was… over a month ago. Awesome. 

I’ve started to write posts since then but my heart just wasn’t in it. Plus I’ve been writing a lot for other stuff lately (thank you grad school) so, yeah, I guess you could say I just haven’t wanted to. But why am I justifying myself to you guys!?! Just kidding. I think. I don’t know. Moving on. 

Our one year anniversary was December 13th. That was pretty awesome. I think I gave him a bone and a little extra loving. :) Ew, gross guys. I was talking about Ryker’s adoption anniversary. Plus, the past week as been super-duper interesting and a roller coaster ride. 

For the past four months I have been working in a department store as they’ve been remodeling. I didn’t realize the job was temporary until my first day. I was the person that sat at the door in the stock room and put a security code in to let construction workers in and out of the building as they did their work. For EIGHT plus hours, five plus days a week. It was so boring I would have preferred prison. The huge amount of time that I had only to think, along with all of the divorce and rape stuff I had been trying not to think about led me into a deep depression. So deep I was wondering if my life was worth living. On top of that, my boss (whom I didn’t trust) was also very self centered, a poor communicator, and she wouldn’t even look me in the eye IF she even acknowledged my presence. Anyway, she promised me that after construction was over she would help me find another position within the company. Well.

Last Tuesday morning, around 8:30ish if you’d like to know all the gory details, she came to me informing me that I had a week and a half to work in that position and that she couldn’t really help me get a job within the company. Perfect. I was in tears I was so mad. My intuition told me not to trust her from the beginning, but  figured it was her professional word, so I should trust her anyway. 

That afternoon I had calmed down and gone numb to everything when I got a call. It was the employment office for a job I had interviewed for a month ago with a huge company. It would mean a raise, benefits, and full time. They were offering me a job.

Today I quit my horrible, horrible job. I start my new job on Monday, and I can’t wait.

A girl walked into a bar…

I parked and scanned the area for men.

Three that I’d have to walk through to get inside.

I’m uncomfortable but not ready to fight.

 

I walk in, scan the room.

My boyfriend isn’t there.

I am alone.

I sit down to make the call- “Where are you?”

No answer.

I call his friend… Who is at home asleep.

Meanwhile my throat gets tighter and tighter. 

He calls back as I leave.

 

I am angry. I’m ready to fight. 

And all they did was look at me as I walked in and out.

 

This is an exact event that happened tonight. It triggered me. I was scared and angry and hurt for being left alone. It was a miscommunication. But that one event sent me home crying and googling how to cope with PTSD triggers. My boyfriend still doesn’t completely understand, I don’t think. He was all like, “But you did it and you’re fine! That should be a good thing! I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.” I know it was a complete miscommunication and accident, but unexpected exposure when alone and outnumbered is borderline cruel. 

 

Rape culture.

I’d like to share two things that happened today.

First, I came across this, as a consequence of following Upworthy on Facebook. While watching it I had goosebumps and eventually I teared up. I’d love to thank this poet.

And second, this. If you’re not familiar with how twitter works, start reading from the bottom. The text in quotation marks is the text that I responded to.

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Is it bad I hope this floods their mentions even more? It is? Oh well.

This brought up a few things.

One, am I wrong for commenting on something that had nothing to do with me? Ummm, no. Welcome to the internet. 

Two, am I wrong for getting upset that people are ignorant and unable to admit it? No, but that’s a personal problem for me. It’s only bothering me. 

Three, should I just stay out their mentions and go o about my merry way about my rape? No. If people had done that when I was going through mine I wouldn’t be here today. THAT is why I said something. Because comments and jokes like THAT are part of what had me thinking it wasn’t rape, that I had WANTED it for so long.

But my real question is;

Why are people telling me to shut up instead of getting mad?

Musings on a Friend

So I have this friend. She’s been there for me pretty much my whole life. I basically told her everything up until recently. And, you know, a friendship like that you don’t really let go. But it’s not much of a friendship anymore. 

When I told her about the rape she was surprised and didn’t know how to react, so I acted out in anger. Common mistake with rape victims, but a mistake nonetheless. Since then there’s been a huge disconnect. I think the whole not knowing what to say thing on both parts has played into it, plus me not trusting her or anyone. Me not trusting her is a big deal. I guess because I went from trusting her with everything to barely anything to now nothing… I’m struggling. 

I tried to trust her after our falling out when I told her about the rape. She would ask what she could do and what I needed and I told her. I needed to be checked up on. Every day. I needed to feel like someone cared about me because I didn’t. I needed to be told that I was going to get through the hard parts and that I was never alone. Every day. I got that a handful of days out of a few months before I gave up on her doing it. Now that whole trust issue is even bigger.

I’ve become incredibly bitter towards her and I don’t like it. I have tried to talk to her about it but when I do she shies away saying that I make her feel like all she does is disappoint me. Maybe I should tell her the positive things she does, too. I hate to say it but now that I have moved away there are less to point out since we don’t see each other much. That makes it hard. The thing is, it is going to take two to fix this relationship. And it’s going to be painful for both of us. I get how that is scary and it’s just so much easier to pretend that it’s all okay, but I can not continue to pretend. I’ve made a post about this before, but if you’re depressed and acting like it’s all okay people believe you and it never gets fixed- it only hurts you more. I refuse to pretend and I think that makes her uncomfortable and want to avoid me. Which is pretty sucky, but I can’t say I don’t understand. I don’t want to be avoided by my friend but I’m not going to continue to make emotionally unhealthy choices either. I just wish she knew that the ball is in her court. 

Rough.

It’s been a rough week and I am tired.

I am hurting.

Depressed.

Lonely for the comfort of those that have always comforted me.

Guarded from those same people.

Unsure of myself and of my future, and more so with the future of my relationships.

No bond feels sacred anymore.

Two feel strong, one with an animal and one with the only person I really trust,

but I’ve become numb to sacredness. 

 

Maybe it’s not for me anymore? 

Maybe the rape stole that from me too. 

He took my trust

My faith in humanity

Self worth

And confidence.

And in turn I got what?

 

His name is now my rapist.

He belongs to me

No matter how much as I don’t want him.

He is mine

And I am his. 

And no amount of time, prayer, energy, or meditation can change that.

It is what it is.

And it is ugly.

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